This is just another one of those things that I feel like I have to stay up past my bedtime to get out there. It seems that once again, I can't tell if I'm the one who is wrong, or if the world is really that cruel.
A rant on the end of struggling with friendships and being treated like chopped liver follows this break. I can't guarantee my language will remain very ladylike.
Perhaps I have a skewed idea of camaraderie, but I was always taught that you should treat others as you wish to be treated. It seems like I've spent my life pulling more than my own weight in that deal. I've tried my best to surround myself with only the people who at least TRY to be a good friend, but I usually end up being second best or just thrown away completely.
I'll never understand what it is that can make a person just completely disregard the feelings of someone who put endless effort into a friendship. When I consider someone my "friend", I respect them, and I do not make them regret the effort they put into a friendship.
I'll never understand what it is that makes people think that I am disposable. When I consider someone my "friend", I do not blow them off at every given chance. If they try to make plans with me, and I already have plans, I do my absolute best to make it so I don't let anybody down.
I would say that I deserve to have someone struggle for me for once, but I'd never put a friend in that situation. I'd never make a friend fight for me the way I feel I've had to try to fight for them.
Since I've moved here to Canton, I've put so much into staying in the lives of the people from home. I drive 2 and a half hours at the drop of a darn hat just because someone asks me to be around for something that is going on. And yet when I ask someone to be there for me, what do I get? A maybe, a sad excuse, a visit cut so short you wonder what the point was, a last minute surprise ditching.What makes people think that I'm okay with only being their friend when it's convenient for them?
Growing up, I was the quiet one. My sister was the bad ass. I saw the consequences of what she did, and I learned from them. And I saw the consequences of confrontation, and the way people go off when rubbed the wrong way. And I saw the way that people can turn your feelings around on you and somehow make you feel like you are the one who is the problem. And for some reason, it scared me into this shy person who couldn't let anybody know I had negative feelings about them.
I've always worn a nice big smiley mask so you can't see that I'm red in the face over how frustrated I am with you. Meanwhile, people get to continue doing everything I hate and I say nothing about it because somehow it's always turned around, and I'm the unreasonable one.
But how much am I expected to take of that crap? Really? I understand that people have stuff on their own plate, but I don't ask for much. No amount of stuff on your mind, things going on, tasks at hand, or any of those overused excuses are a good reason to make someone who thought of you as a best friend feel like dirt.
I've never once doubted whether or not I was a good friend. I'd do anything for someone I consider a friend, and I've always thought of myself as a good listener. I don't hold grudges, and I'm probably one of the most open minded people I know. I forgive very easily, but not naively. I'm not one to toot my own horn, in fact I have far too little self-esteem to toot my own horn. However, these things are things that I do pride myself on, even more so now because I've learned that people with these qualities are in great shortage. I know these things about myself, and I would never treat someone like myself the way that other people have treated me. If I wouldn't treat myself this way, why on Earth should I EVER accept letting others treat me the way they do.
Screw that.
I've given up on caring enough about these people to think twice about how little they care about me.
I've given up on letting myself be hurt by all this.
I've given up on feeling like I was the one who caused the problem.
I've given up on expecting anything of people that have proven to me that they will never live up to my expectations of a friend, or in some cases, even just a decent human being. No expectations leaves little room for disappointment.
And I've given up on trying to find any more fucks to give.
Probably one of my favorite lines from any song ever is from "The Young Crazed Peeling" by the Distillers.
"It hit me, I've got everyone I need."
I guess when I heard this song for the first time, my 13-year-old self was drawn to this for a damn good reason. Its the one thing that pops in to my head whenever I realize yet another person has frolicked on out of my life to find something better. It reminds me that I know exactly who I need in my life, and every other person is just a bonus. The people who I need are the only ones who deserve nothing less than my greatest efforts and my respect.
And those people who are just a "bonus" to me? Sure, I'll invite them around out of courtesy. The more the merrier. Or maybe even to give it a chance, see if maybe they're worth trying for. But if they're not willing to try for me, too, then oh well. Their loss. It's not my problem anymore. Like I said, no expectations of people means little disappointment.
I am not second choice. I am not a back-up plan. I am not the only one who is supposed to hold a friendship together.
People really ought to start thinking about their actions and the way they affect other people. If people valued me the way I cherished my friends, I wouldn't have grown up to be a skeptic with trust issues. Hell if all people valued their friends the way I did, everyone would be crapping rainbows and butterflies. But no. People only seem to think about themselves. Their own problems, what they want to get, what they want to do. I don't think people realize that there's always someone who has got it worse, and there is always someone else who could benefit from them just TRYING to be a better person.
So to those I need, I love you. And I know you know exactly who you are, probably because I'll treat you like the sun shines out of your ass if you let me. And because you know that little to nothing that I've complained about here applies to you. Probably because you're not a shithead.
To everyone else, suck my balls. Stop thinking about yourself and start thinking about other people.
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